The Lived Experience of Men in Chaotic and Violent Relationships

Men who have used violence against intimate partners remain an under-researched population, despite their potential to advance understanding of motivations and relational dynamics underlying such behavior. This study employed semi-structured interviews and interpretative phenomenological analysis to examine the lived experiences of five adult men with histories of partner violence. A superordinate theme, Chaotic Interpersonal and Systemic Relationships, encompassed five experiential themes describing volatile partnerships shaped by mutual vulnerabilities. Participants commonly reported trauma histories and/or antisocial traits influencing partner selection, with abuse experienced as bidirectional. Disillusionment emerged when participants perceived that the mutual nature of violence was unacknowledged, limiting their engagement in meaningful change. Although behavior change programs were often understood at a conceptual level, participants struggled to translate insight into sustained behavioral transformation. Consistent with post-traumatic growth theory, participants described developing greater personal responsibility and more constructive views of relationships over time. Greater systemic recognition of bidirectional violence, identified in the literature as a prevalent form of intimate partner violence, may strengthen the therapeutic alliance and support more nuanced etiological inquiry. Shifting systemic responses from deficit-based, gendered models toward strength-based approaches may better harness men’s capacity for more permanent positive psychological and behavioral change.